Walking Dead: Season 3, Episode 9 “The Suicide King”

The Walking Dead came back from its winter break and apparently no one got what they wanted for Christmas.  Because they were all cranky!  Everyone fought whether they had a reason to or not.  Because drama.  Lots and lots of faux drama.  I’ll cover the whole ugly mess after the jump

The episode picked up where the mid-season finale left off.  Daryl and Merle were forced into Woodbury’s Thunderdome!  Two Dixons enter, one Dixon leaves!  The people of Woodbury take turns restraining Andrea while she protests/flashes cleavage.

What’s the most clichéd way to get out of a situation like this?  It’s gotta be the ol’ sucker punch/follow my lead trick, right?  Merle lays into Daryl like he’s going to kill his own brother.  But then gives him a wink and they jump to their feet.

Um, what strategic advantage did you boys gain from that?  You’re still surrounded by the sick citizens of Woodbury and now they brought out their pet zombies.  Might have been better off if you hadn’t cold cocked Daryl first.

The Woodburians (Wooburites?) politely push one zombie at a time at the brothers conveniently timed with their fists to make sure they don’t accidentally get hurt.  It takes a lot of work to be this inefficient when you have such a huge numbers advantage plus zombies on leashes.

Then Maggie suddenly becomes an expert sniper and takes out the zombies.  Rick lobs a few smoke grenades into the arena because smoke is cheaper to film than a big action scene.  Then they make like the A-team and start shooting at nothing.  Lots of gunfire, no casualties.

All hell breaks loose.  But mostly, smoke.  The Governor walks cooly through the chaos and carnage without a care in the world.  Maybe he can’t see it out of his one good eye.  Or maybe he suddenly became totally eeeevil. 

As the Grimes Gan gets to safety, a totally awesome zombie easily rips open the worst city defenses ever.  As we will see later, zombies stream into Woodbury.  Because right after the city is attacked, no one thinks to check the perimeter.  Everyone in Woodbury deserves to die.  Especially Andrea.

Glenn and Michonne are chilling by the side of the road like their car overheated.  They are just hangin’ out waiting for the tow truck or something.  When they see Merle, they lose their shit.  Rick has his gun in Michonne’s face.  Glenn’s got a gun in Daryl’s chest.  Because drama.

Merle has the right response.  He starts laughing because everyone is being silly.  Then he starts insulting everyone.  He’s despicable.  But when he brags about the Governor “putting the wood” to Andrea, he wins us all over a little I think.

Rick asks if Michonne knows Andrea.  She scowls because that is how she answers questions.  Rick asks again because he says everything twice.  The second time is always in a low growl because this time he really means it.  Michonne still doesn’t answer.  Do they pay her by the line?

Fortunately, Merle is there to spill all the secrets from the first half of the season.  It’s like a zombie-filled episode of Three‘s a Company.  I think that makes Hershel Mr. Roper.  Or Mr. Furly.  I’m not sure which.

Eventually, Rick knocks out Merle which take a lot of balls considering he is the only guy who didn’t pull a weapon on anyone.  Plus, last time Rick saw Merle he left him handcuffed on the roof of a building filled with zombies.  So really, if anyone should be knocking anyone out, Merle probably has dibs.

Back at the prison, Hershel is treating the wounded newcomers.  And gosh, they seem just swell.  They practically have “good guys” stamped on their foreheads.  They even like babies.  But then poor Tyreese’s sister (I can’t be expected to know her name when no one says it) asks where the baby’s mother is.  Ouch!  Zombie apocalypse faux pas!

Tyreese goes ahead and gives the audience (and Hershel) their back stories just in case anybody cared how they survived over a year in the zombie apocalypse.  Apparently they set up camp in a bunker which was overrun.  You know, zombie stuff.

Everyone seems to be getting along.  So Hershel decides to put an end to that by telling Tyreese not to get too comfortable.  What purpose could that possibly serve?  Why would Hershel want to create tensions where there were none?  Because drama.

Speaking of which, the away team has a fight about whether or not Merle and Michonne can come back to the prison.  And… wait a minute!  What the hell is Merle doing in the woods while the others are arguing?  I sure hope he’s relieving himself on that tree.

Daryl comes to the totally rational decision to leave the group on the spot.  With a war brewing against Woodbury, Rick just lets the two of them take off.  Maybe they will get their own show?  The Walking Dixons?  I’d watch that.

Rick tells Michonne they are taking her back to prison to “patch her up” and then they are kicking her out.  Someone needs to tell Rick to stop chasing away all the members of his group who know how to fight.  Michonne says nothing.  She’s like Silent Bob.  I wonder if in the last episode she’ll have a really long monologue that explains the show’s title.  (Chasing Amy reference!)

 On the way back to the prison, the road is blocked by a truck.  When they try to move the truck, a very quick zombie who has been cleverly laying in waiting jumps out at them.  So Glenn stomps on his head repeatedly.  It’s easily the Zombie Kill of the Week.  And also a not at all subtle sign that Something’s Wrong With Glenn!!

What’s eating Glenn?  He’s mad Rick didn’t kill Merle or the Governor.  When Rick says that Daryl was the reason they went back, Glenn rightly points out that now Daryl is gone.  It goes downhill from there.  Glenn is upset about what the Governor “did” to Maggie which is clearly going to drag on longer than it should since the Governor didn’t do much more than act like an apocalyptic frat boy.

Andrew Lincoln’s delivery of “This is the hand we’ve been dealt is comic genius.”  I’m going to be saying that all day tomorrow.

Back at Woodbury, an angry mob has formed.  People are trying to leave, but the armed guards won’t let them.  There are zombies on the other side of the wall and the unarmed people still want to be let out to fend for themselves!  Only Andrea is there to talk sense into them.  They are doomed!

The zombies who broke into Woodbury the night before have apparently been hiding.  No doubt waiting for the most dramatic moment to make their presence known.  Which would be 3…2…1  now.  Andrea pits the zombies down but refuses to shoot the half-eaten guy twitching on the law.

Andrea demands that someone “do something”.  So the Governor (who also took a vow of silence this episode) walks up and shoots the guy.  Then walks off to his secret lair.  Andrea wonders for the first time if maybe the guy with fish tanks full of heads isn’t Mr. Right.

Carol and Carl bond over their love of noise pollution and the fact that both of their names start with “C”.  Plus, Carl needs a haircut and Carol inexplicably has a buzz cut despite no means of maintaining it.  Rick and the gang return just as Carol decides it’s a good idea to remind Carl that he killed his mom.  Carol must be fun at parties.

From appearances, Rick and the gang stopped by a car dealership on the way home.  Or someone detailed the car before its big scene.  Holy product placement, Batman!

Rick tells Carol that Daryl left with Merle.  Carol gets upset in spite of the fact that Daryl assumed she was dead without even looking for her when she was just down the hallway.  Oh and Oscar’s dead.  Hope you guys found another black guy while we were gone!

Andrea and the Governor have it out.  And apparently Gov Phil does not know how to say “Glenn and Maggie”.  Much like Andrea doesn’t know how to change expressions.  Andrea demands to know why the Governor kept the fact that her friends were here secret “while we were…”

The Gov takes the opportunity to blow her off.  And Andrea tells him not to drive her away!  Seriously, she’s still clinging to the guy who kept his zombie daughter locked up and tried to kill all of her friends.

Milton interrupts to say that the crowd is growing restless.  The Gov doesn’t care.

Hershell tells Rick “You came through.  Like always.”  I assume by that he means that he chased off Daryl while getting another black guy killed.  That’s about par for the course with Rick.  Not exactly my idea of coming through.

Carl is keeping watch on Tyreese’s group.  He has a scary look on his face and a gun in his hands.  He is also in their cell for some reason.  Wouldn’t it make more sense to watch them from outside the cell?

Beth (who seems to exist solely to babysit) hands Rick his newborn daughter.  This is probably the second time he has touched her in a week.  She immediately starts crying and Rick starts having flashbacks to that time in ‘Nam.  Because he is conveniently crazy!

Back at Woodbury, the Governor still refuses to speak to the angry crowd.  Milton is fumbling the PR, so Andrea steps up.  She delivers the worst pep talk in the history of the apocalypse.  All the while, The Gov watches from a nearby window.  And presumable strokes a cat.

In case you missed it, he’s really evil for real now.

The crowd actually buys Andrea’s weak crap.  They start hugging and patting each other on the back.  Gosh, maybe walking out into the zombie-infested wilderness wasn’t the best idea.  Thanks girl who has been sleeping with our crazy, one-eyed recluse of a leader!

Beth has baby Judith again!  I hope Rick is paying her well.  She starts talking to Carol about Daryl.  Apparently people in Rick’s gang start conversations by bringing up the most painful topic imaginable.  She probably would have brought up Carol’s dead daughter except Carol already did that herself.

Carol claims that if Daryl returned, she would like to think she would tell him to go to hell.  For what?  Have we ever established what Daryl and Carol’s relationship even is?

They put the baby down for a nap in a postal crate labeled “Lil Asskicker”.  Good god, that kid doesn’t stand a chance.

Hershel cleans up Glenn.  Maggie walks in.  Awkward!  Hershel thanks Glenn for “looking out” for his daughter.  On his way out, he says to Glenn “If anything worse than this had happened to you… you’re like my own son, Glen.”

If anything worse than getting his ass kicked, you mean?  Ah, Stumpy, you old softy.

Hershel’s next stop is Maggie’s cell.  Maggie is, I dunno, washing her wrist?  This is a clear sign that something isn’t right.  So the one-legged farmer pops a squat to have a heart-to-heart with his daughter. 

Finally, Hershel check in on Michonne who is knocked out.  And still not speaking.  Axel does the obligatory eulogy for the dead guy no one even remembers.  (Oscar this time.)  I guess Glenn was too upset about the Governor seeing his girlfriend’s boobs.

They talk about the threat the Governor poses.  Hershel points out that the could use some reinforcements.  Like maybe the four nice people they are keeping locked up.  So the whole gang goes to talk to Tyreese and the others.

Tyreese explains that they came in through a hole in the prison’s walls.  Rick is not at all bothered by this.  Not only does he know about the hole, but it is over-run by zombies.  Um, isn’t that a problem?

Over the course of the meeting, everyone is calm and reasonable.  Tyreese offers to do anything for Rick.  Hershel pleads with Rick to take them in.  There’s really no reason not to. 

But since it’s the end of the episode, Rick has to go crazy.  He freaks out and sees ghostly Lori watching from above.  He freaks the hell out.  Cameos have that effect on Rick.

At this point, why would anyone follow Rick or the Governor? 

 Because drama.

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